Eye jokes
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.
Q. What color were Mohammed Atta’s eyes?
A. Blue, one blue this way and one blue the other way.
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...
...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like a green bean with googly eyes.
Wanna see something dark?
Close your eyes.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled!
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
Yo mama's so ugly even cartoon cat eyes got little.
What do you call a person with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you told them twice.
If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Between you and me, something smells!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Birds Eye.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
A skinny black person named "Treyvon Robinson" joins a pickup basketball game at the local court, trash-talking about his "superior athletic genes" while munching on a stolen bag of Skittles. The ref blows the whistle for a foul, and he argues, "That ain't fair, I'm just naturally dominant!"
But the team's coach, a burly black dude who's been eyeing him all game, grabs him by the jersey, blindfolds him with a sweaty headband, slathers lube from his gym bag all over, and pile-drives his ass courtside in a twisted BDSM slam dunk, yelling, "Now taste the rainbow, punk!"
(I'm Asian so I can say this.) If I say that we are made of money, that just means you can fit pennies through our little eye slits, and we can save them for you in there!