Eye jokes
If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.
Say "eye," smell "map," say "ness."
(I am a penis!) HA HA!
Wanna see something dark?
Close your eyes.
My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled!
Memes
Q. What color were Mohammed Atta’s eyes?
A. Blue, one blue this way and one blue the other way.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
Yo mama's so ugly even cartoon cat eyes got little.
What do you call a person with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you told them twice.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Between you and me, something smells!"
If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Birds Eye.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!
Why were ET's eyes so big?
Because he saw the phone bill.
(I'm Asian so I can say this.) If I say that we are made of money, that just means you can fit pennies through our little eye slits, and we can save them for you in there!
Little Johnny walks in on his mom taking a shower and slips and falls under her, and he says, "What's that, Mama?" She says, "That's just an old bear." He says, "He's a mean bear." She says, "Why's that?" He says, "He's got blood in on eye and shit in the other."