I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes. Then it hit me.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I’m so good that I can do it with my eyes closed

What do you call a fish without eyes?

-Fsh

Why did Sally get a black eye? Because she decided to play football.

Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says, “It looks like you have a cataract.” Asian guy says, “No Doc, I drive a Rincoln.”

What do you get when you are hungry? A dog to eat

friend: i have the eye of the tiger me: so what i have the balls of a gorilla parents: we cant come back to the zoo next week

Can u see me

Yo mama so fat, she’s the reason why Slenderman has no eyes.

Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don’t stare at it’s eyes.

What did the father bullet say to the baby bullet when he killed a bull by hitting it in the eye:bull’s eye

Me: Mom i think i need to go to the hospital …Mom: OMG Why son …Me: Idk whats wrong but everytime i close my eyes i can see

…Think about it then spread LMAO

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It just felt like it.

these are all of my terrible jokes

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said "I’ll serve you but don’t start anything A dyslexic man walks into a bra Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says "does this taste funny to you, I’m joking of course" Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor “I can’t feel my legs” the doctor said " I know, I AMPUTATED YOUR ARMS" I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says "dam" A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out of a "small medium at large" A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says "a beer please,and one for the road" Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent YO MAMA SO FAT THAT she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh A priest a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar, the cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, how far do you think I can kick this bucket A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico What’s green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels WERE A LIE. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck Why couldn’t the dinosaur break the wall, I don’t know. I’m asking you Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker, she has dementia There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It’s an owl it can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey

What do you call a person with one arm one leg one eye and one ear ONESY “Hey dad how do you kill a star?” -give them drugs

Ur the bus driver, the busy driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven picks up a women with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and burried his mother. Who’s the bus driver You will never nose

What did one hurricane say to the other?

I got my EYE on you!

Yo momma is so ugly Slenderman runs from her. It’s also why he has no eyes.

Your at a buffet, you think your hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of your self, you get stuck looking at sides in the buffet, a roly poly gal you see in corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end, you go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slamed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she’s is tenderizing you for dinner.

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don’t know I close my eyes when I masterbate…

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