Exes Jokes

"Hey, today was great!"

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car!"

Why did the dinosaur take a bath?

So it can get ex-stinked!

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

A still image of a Bionicle figure with the text "Alabama boys when their ex comes back to them after the break up. You lost the right to call me 'brother' long ago!" overlaid.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

I love to have sex. And my name is Lex. Which one should I be with next? I really hate my ex. I just saw a huge T Rex, And I think you probably saw this text.

Welcome for the rhyme.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

Words that have "ho" in them:

Thot

Whore

Asshole

Horrible

Horena (my ex gf)

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.

And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you—as a joke.

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!