Exes jokes

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

Today my ex got hit by a bus.

I also lost my job as a bus driver.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...

"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"

My ex.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.

And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

Ex Of Johnnys: I have a question.

Johnny: What?

Ex Of Johnnys: Am I pretty?

Johnny: Yes ofc jesus made everybody wonderfully!

Ex: Awhh!

Johnny: But whoever made you was painting Thomas the Train while making your face.