Every Time jokes

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?

Because every time they scan, it scans twice.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Why’s BBC called BBC?

The dude’s shlong gets bigger every time he says n-

Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?

Friend: What?

Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.

Yo mama so fat that every time she takes a swim, the Arctic sinks by a mile!

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

I hope every time you watch YouTube, you get 30 second unskippable ads!

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

This kid was crying, so I asked him where his parents were. He just cried harder. I still remember him every time I pass that orphanage.

You're so fat, every time you go in the elevator, it goes down.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

Yo mama so fat...

That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

How many retards does it take to change a lightbulb? None! They are still too busy trying to turn off the dark.

Click...uh Click..........,.UH!!

Confucius say, never try win head-butting contest with mongoloid: you’ll lose every time and only hurt yourself.

(mono gloid? mong a’ loid squeals)

Did you hear the one about the dog raised by retards?

All he’d do is go “Uh-f, uh-f....Ooohhhh!”