Ya ever think about the twin towers plan?
Me neither. It all came crashing down.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box!
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.
But she has to. She's his mom.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
Have you ever tried North Korean food?
Neither have the North Koreans.
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
