You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.
Not a soul in sight.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Why does the pimp always use job fairs as a way of recruiting new hoes?
He always gets a great turnout.
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
Sandy Hook is my favorite holiday.
What's a car's favorite place to hang out?
A CARnival!
Three good friends decided to meet in their favorite caffe.
The meetup was a successful one, because they all enjoyed themselves.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Why were the people during 9/11 mad because they ordered pepperoni sandwiches, but they got two planes?
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
...
...
Their knees.
*Ba dum tss*
What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Which is the worst place to sit at in a wedding?
Between 2 buttcheeks.
