Ceremony jokes
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized in the ocean.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Why can’t orphans be married?
Because they won’t have their parents' blessings.
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
When is a priest's best compromise?
A failed Baptism.
Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.
How does a cannibal start a wedding reception?
He toasts the groom.
Why do brides wear white?
So they match the kitchen appliances.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Dear Grad Parents,
Please pass the attached Commencement schedule on to your graduate(s). We ask that students arrive 15 minutes prior to their scheduled time and that they do not arrive early. Staff will greet the students outside the main entrance. Students may wear cap and gowns and/or formal wear.
There will be more information to follow in the coming days.
Thank you.
What did the priest say during the christening?
"So anyway, I started blasting!"
Hey, did you know that 9/11 won a Grammy?
Yes, best comedy award.
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.