Eating jokes

How do you eat a cake?

With a fork!

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

Why did the monster 🧟‍♀️ put the cook in a bowl?

He wanted a chef salad. 🥗😂

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.

What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?

The dentist!

Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"

What part of a vegetable can't you eat?

The wheelchair.

How much curry can an Indian eat? Until his red dot explodes.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

What did Queen Lettuce say to her greens?

Lettuce eat Brussels!

Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.

Q: Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians?

A: He thought they tasted funny.

What do Indian hip hop artists eat?

Rice rice baby.

Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.

Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

Josh Dalton once ate his shoulder.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."