Dying jokes

Depression

  • Dentist: Open up, sir.

    Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

    Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

    Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

    Dentist: Do you need help??

    Me: Yep.

    Dentist: ...

    Me: ....

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  • Noose

  • "Do you have a noose?"

    "Nose?"

    "Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."

    "I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"

    "No."

    *Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*

    Cremation

  • I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.

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  • Sadness

  • You were sad because your grandmother died.

    The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.

    Boat

  • One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.

    Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.

    Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."

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  • Phone

  • What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

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  • God

  • I’m a god, and I’m here to flex on you bitches. My flight to New York on September 11th was rocky, but I lived.

    Imagine dying on a plane, fr. At least try and respawn:/

    Wish

  • Farrah Fawcett, upon arriving at the pearly gates, God asked her, for having led such an honest life, to grant her one wish. Farrah simply requested that the children of the world would be safe.

    Five hours later, Michael Jackson died.

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