What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
How do you get your grass to cut itself?
Make it depressed.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
How do parents punish their blind kids?
They re-arrange the furniture.
Why do Republican men hate transgender people?
Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
A teacher asked her class “what is sex?”
Little Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a *temptation* Caused by a *sensation* Where the boy sticks his *location* Into a girls *destination* To increase the *population* Of the next *generation* Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?”
The teacher faints.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
What do you call a group of emos?
Suicide Squad.
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
What do you call a disabled Asian?
Sum Ting Wong.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run?
The grass tickles their balls.
What do you call an Asian receptionist?
Tai Ping.
