I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
Why do orphans eat cereal with water? Their dad didn't come back with the milk.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his ass.
How do emo kids complement each other?
They say, "I like ya cuts g."
Daughter: Dad.
Dad: Yes honey?
Daughter: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Ok.
Daughter 2: Dad.
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?
Son: I do...
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Why can't orphans do homework? They don't have a home to do it at.
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.
It's called "spastics on elastics."
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.
What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
