DoS jokes

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

Why do orphans eat cereal with water? Their dad didn't come back with the milk.

How do emo kids complement each other?

They say, "I like ya cuts g."

Daughter: Dad.

Dad: Yes honey?

Daughter: I'm lesbian.

Dad: Ok.

Daughter 2: Dad.

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.

Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?

Son: I do...

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

Why can't orphans do homework? They don't have a home to do it at.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.

What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.

What do you call a man off the ground?

Hanged.

Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?

Because they aren't family!

What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

What do a politician and a minister have in common?

Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.