DoS jokes
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.
I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"
Memes
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
Bf: What do you think about our love?
Gf: Count the stars in the sky.
Bf: Aww, it's infinity.
Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Answer: Depresso.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!
Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
Why do vegetarians give anonymous blowjobs at the glory hole at an adult book store? Because they don't want anybody to find out that they like meat.
What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"