Dont jokes
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!
Put some Windex on it.
I was doing a 10km run with my good friend Pessi. As we were setting up our smart watches, the watch voice asked us if we wanted to do a solo run or a group run.
Pessi proceeded to smash both our watches and shout, “I don’t want solo run, I want Penalty!”
Shame on you, Pessi!
At this point, I don't want a funeral when I commit. I just want a going away party so people have an excuse to celebrate.
This is about Gwen.
I don't know her, but people are just causing too much drama over one person who never said one thing to them.
Comment if you're not vaccinated and don't plan to be!
Hey Gwen, uhhhhhhh, fresfry told me to tell you I like you. Jk, I don't.
Don’t cut yourself up about it.
What is something an orphan's phone does not have?
Home buttons.
God: Why is the teenager so short?
Angel: I don't know.
God: I said, "Strong as a bear!"
Angel: No, you said, "Ass hair."
God: No, I didn't!
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
"Prince???? Where are you??? I might have to go to bed for real, but I just wish we could talk at night. Why don't we anyway? (I love you so much!)"
Pastor: I don’t normally swear, but tonight I am going to, just for the halibut!
Boy: Your dick is so small, oh wait, you don't have one.
Older boy: UNO reverse card!
Can I make you a basketball cake for dessert?
Yeah, you sure can, but don't be having all your balls in it. It will taste nasty.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
I don't know what to say.
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:
Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.
Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?
Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.
Me sees crazy man hit a old poor person. Me dials 911.
Police: What is that location?
Me: I don't know where is dis location.
Police: Mission failed, we will try again later.
Me: WTH?
Police: Ends call.
Me: Calls hospital.
Hospital: What is that location?
Me: I don't know where is dis location.
Hospital: Mission failed, we will try again later.
Me: WTH IS HAPPENDS EVERY TIME NOW EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE.
Hospital: Hangs up.
Me: Calls fire dEpArTmEnT.
Fire: No fire.
Fire dEpArTmEnT: What is that location?
Me: Hangs up and give up and goes home.