Dont jokes

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.

In Rocket League, you don't care who wins game MVP as long as it's not somebody on the other team.

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

Tell your mom I don't like waiting in queues.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

I don't like them white, pale, always talking about death EMO kids!

Sorry, I meant CHEMO kids.

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

I don't laugh at Trump.

I was taught to NEVER make fun of the mentally handicapped.

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Me and bro talking about direct objects at 1 a.m. because we don’t know English.

When Canadians get hurt, they don't go "ouch," they go "ooch!"