Dont jokes
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
I don't laugh at Trump.
I was taught to NEVER make fun of the mentally handicapped.
Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.
I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
Me and bro talking about direct objects at 1 a.m. because we don’t know English.
When Canadians get hurt, they don't go "ouch," they go "ooch!"
Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?
They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, flags big plus.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Why don’t orphans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
I don't like Trump because he has ruined my kind's greatest man, Donald Duck.
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists don't change anything.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.
His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga.
And 100% of men don’t care.
Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).