Dog jokes
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"
Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"
Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...
My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."
So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
I had asked my dog what 2 - 2 is...
She said nothing.
A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."
It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."
One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.
What happened when the dog played golf?
He hit the ball into the ruff.
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
What do dogs do when they lose their tail?
They go to the retail store.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."
My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
A family put their kid and their dog in an orphanage but came back for only the dog.
What is a kid's favorite thing to do with their dad?
Play pretend dog in the bed.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
One of them is actually loved.
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."
Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?
Snoopy Dog.
What do you call a suspicious dog?
A sussy bark-er.