Dog jokes

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

I adopted a dog. It's gone now.

At least homeless people in China are not starving.

A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."

Q: What do you call a dog that stepped in its own shit?

A: I don't know.

What did the female dog say to the mirror?

Hi, bitch!

What’s white and sticky? A white man's penis after taking care of his neighbor's dog.

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

What do lady dogs (bitches) wear to work?

Pant suits.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

What kind of dog can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.

What do you call a suspicious dog?

A sussy bark-er.

Are people still mad at Hasan from that dog incident? All he wanted to do was become the world’s first lightningbender.

What da dog doin'?