Dog jokes
We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.
What do you call a blind German shepherd?
A Nazi.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
What is a dog's favorite snack?
RUFFles.
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
Good being
I say we shouldn’t do any jokes about dogs cause dogs are the best, but cats suck.
What does a stray cat/dog have in common?
Both of them don't have a home!
Top ten dog breeds:
10. Dogs
9. Are
8. Beautiful
7. Animals
6. And
5. Judgement
3. Is
2. Cruel
1. Dachshund
Why does rapeboat like going to the dog shelter? It's cheaper than a whore house.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the other side.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
What do orphans have in common with stray dogs?
Nothing, they are both orphans.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?
Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?
Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?
Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.