DOE jokes

What does a kid with cancer and dark humor have in common? They never get old.

This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Helen Keller.

Helen Keller who?

(Don't say anything).

Helen Keller who?

...you will get a laugh...ty.

So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."

He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I see how it is y’all be buying toilet paper, stocking up from the Coronavirus, but where on the symptoms does it say diarrhea? Lol, why y’all be buying toilet paper, now I am just confused.

What food does a Cheetah eat?

Cheetos!

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

What does an Asian doorbell sound like?

"Wing wong wung wang, wong wang wing wong!"

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

What is yellow and does not float well?

A school bus.

What does the depressed person say to the happy person?

"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."

What is the one feature an orphan kid's phone doesn't have that mine does?

A home button.

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

Why does the large dildo not have any friends?

He's a pain in the ass.

Everyone: What does NASA mean?

NASA's response: National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

Everyone: What does NASA mean?

Arinator's response: National Ariana and Space Ariana.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?

Both are not a lamp.

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

What does a person that’s high and Helen Keller have in common?

Both stare off into space.