DOE jokes
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What does Kylie Jenner feed her baby? Plastic MILK! LOL
What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?
cornhub.com
What kind of mountain does everyone like?
Mountain Dew!!! Hahah.
What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.
What starts with M and ends with carriage?
This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.
How many dead strippers does it take to change a light?
At least 13 because my basement is still dark.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow! What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?
The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.
Wow, that was explosive!
Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.
What do you call a daredevil Weedle who does stunts on a motorcycle?
Weedle Knievel.
Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says, "Why don't you go and ask God?"
So Adam goes into the Garden of Eden and shouts out to God, "Are we black or white?" A big booming voice bellows out, "You are what you are."
He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. "How do you know?" asks Eve. "Because he said, 'You are what you are,'" Adam replied. "Why does that mean we are white?" asked Eve. "Because if we were black, He would have said, 'You is what you is.'"
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
What movie does an orphan hate?
"Spider-Man: Far From Home."
What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.
What is a tree that does not exist?
A money tree.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?
"Smell ya later!"
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"