DOE jokes

I see how it is y’all be buying toilet paper, stocking up from the Coronavirus, but where on the symptoms does it say diarrhea? Lol, why y’all be buying toilet paper, now I am just confused.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

What food does a Cheetah eat?

Cheetos!

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

What does an Asian doorbell sound like?

"Wing wong wung wang, wong wang wing wong!"

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

What is yellow and does not float well?

A school bus.

What does the depressed person say to the happy person?

"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."

What is the one feature an orphan kid's phone doesn't have that mine does?

A home button.

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

Why does the large dildo not have any friends?

He's a pain in the ass.

Everyone: What does NASA mean?

NASA's response: National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

Everyone: What does NASA mean?

Arinator's response: National Ariana and Space Ariana.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?

Both are not a lamp.

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

What does a person that’s high and Helen Keller have in common?

Both stare off into space.

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? One, you just need to throw it hard enough.