DOE jokes
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
Girl: "Daddy!"
Father: "Do I love you?"
Girl: "I'm a... a girl!"
Father: "Mhm!"
Woman: "Daddy?"
Father: "Of course?"
Woman: "I'm a girl too!"
Father: "Does God love children?"
Boy: "Yessss..."
What is the difference between a microwave and a basket?
The microwave oven does not explode within the set time.
What does Marine stand for?
Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected.
Why does the Marine Corps have the best uniforms?
Because the Navy wants their bitches to look nice.
What role does a leper play in the theater?
Voldemort!
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they're very tiny and we're not sure how they got in there.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to pull a permit, one to schedule the inspector, and one to change the bulb.
How many bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends, are you AC or DC? However many turn you on.
How does a pimp answer when asked why he chose his occupation?
Answer: He wanted a stable source of income.
What does Army stand for?
Ain't Ready to be a Marine Yet.
What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One (flips lens) or two? One (flips another lens) or two?
How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two. One, TWO. One, two. One, two.
How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.
How many Lawrence Welk fans does it take to change a light bulb?
"A one, and ah two."