DOE jokes

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Teacher: Ok class good morning, we are going to start off by what kind of sound animals make.

Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?

Class: A cow says, "moo moo."

Teacher: Good.

Teacher: What does a sheep make?

Class: A sheep says, "baa baaa."

Teacher: Good! Now what does a pig say?

Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall you black mother fucke*!"

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

Q: What time does an Asian go to the dentist?

A: 2:30

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? 327.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

Why does Trump play Minecraft?

'Cause he can build walls.

What does the "f" in "orphan" stand for? Family, but there's no "f".

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They both get turned on by kids.

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

What does your girl do to me? She sucks me off.

Gutted rn... the girl I loved hard just got in a relationship. She liked me too so I missed the chance. Idk if she still does... man...

What does one piece of toilet paper say to the other?

"I'm wiped!"

Q: How much does a skeleton weigh?

A: A skele-TON.

How [does] a disabled kid face [the] Jalalas?

He can't run, just hug the bomb.

Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?

A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.

How many degrees does it take to change ice into boiling water?

199, because the difference between -100 and +100 is 199 (excluding the zero, because it's not real and it doesn't exist because it's not real).

Get?

Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.