DOE jokes
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
Why does an orphan go to church? So they can call someone father and be loved.
How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?
Why does an orphan like home base? Because he doesn't have one.
What does an orphan do on school parents' day? Nothing.
If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, does that mean your pants are tucked into your shirt?
What does an iPhone have that orphans do not?
Home buttons.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
How does a blonde turn off the light after having sex?
She opens the car door.
What kind of bath bomb does an emo person use?
A toaster.
What does a kid do when he's bored and he's sitting? He puts wheels on the chair and makes it a wheelchair.
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
Why does an orphan hate the internet?
Because he's always on the homepage.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.