DOE jokes
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
What does NASA stand for?
Not Another Strong Astronaut.
Where does a Muslim like to go and eat?
Allah's snackbar!
What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
How many shades of gray does it take to make a dirty movie?
50.
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
What does a kid with cancer and a house fly have in common?
A life expectancy of 15-25 days.
What does Stephen Hawking eat for breakfast? His shoulder.
Does Donald know his wife is Mexican?
What does 9 and 36 add up to?
A life in prison.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand?
She moans with her right.
Teacher: What is a cow?
Kid: Meat.
Teacher: Nice. What is a chicken?
Kid: Eggs.
Teacher: What does the big fat pig give you?
Kid: Homework.
How many South Africans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
Why does no one sit next to a cheetah during school? Because they're a big cheetah.
What does FNAF stand for? Five Nasty Ass Fools.
Why does Satan worship himself?
Jesus told him to worship God.
What does a woman call Stormzy in bed?
Stiff chocolate.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Archer riddle has less atoms in his brain than he does in his dick, and his dick is 1/4 of a millimeter.