DOE jokes
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?
Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...
What kind of car does Yoda drive?
A Toyoda.
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
'Cause he doesn't want to be spotted.
Does anyone know how to add pictures? Like, I need to know.
What does every arsehole and Tory have in common?
They all produce horrible shit.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Where does the banana learn to split? At Sunday school.
What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
How does Stephen Hawking compete in the hurdles?
He ducks when he gets to them.
Why does Joe Biden call women muffins?
'Cause muffins backwards is sniffum.
Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?
Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.
How does a rapper like his eggs?
Hard-boiled, to match his beats!
What does Stephen Hawking put his food in? A microwave.
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?
You have to look down to see him.