DOE jokes
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they sit in the dark crying.
None, they sit in the dark cutting their wrists.
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?
Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.
Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.
If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
Why does Jesus never vacation on Earth?
Because he traveled down about 2,000 years ago, got with some Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!
Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag? She lost her ass playing poker...
What does NASA stand for?
Nose and smelly astronauts.
An emo girl dyed her hair red.
Where does her hairline start? Her wrist.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
How long does it take for 10 dead babies to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
What does this joke and half a deck of cards have in common? You can't even deal with it!
Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.
What does a gay horse eat?
Heyyy!
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off.
Okay, moving on, you took too long. How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply:* Idk how many)
3: Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply:* 3...)
Wrong, 4: Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
Why did Sully fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.
What does the cow say when it's going on holiday? - MOOOOOYORK.
I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"
Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.
Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀