DOE jokes
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.
Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"
How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?
They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"
Why does everyone like couch jokes?
Because they are sofa-nny (so funny)!
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Are you kidding? Feminists can’t change anything.
What does Stephen Hawking eat for his breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
His shoulder.
What does a Tusken Raider eat after his meal?
Some desert!
What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?
Tying.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
What does a skeleton tile his roof with? Shingles!
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
Why does Sally have no friends? Because she is obese.
What skeleton does Crap-ton of?
A "bone".
Why does Santa not have any children?
He only cums once a year.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.
Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.
20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off. Okay, moving on. You took too long.
How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply* I don't know how many.)
3, Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply* 3...)
Wrong. 4, Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. Why did Sally fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.