DOE jokes
How does a tree get online? They log in.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
When does it rain money?
When there's a change in the weather.
Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.
*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...
Why does the sun get a lot of girls? Because it's hot.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt-quack.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Penis enters my dad and sister.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
Why does my mum eat carrots?
Sans, you lazybones, get up and do something.
Sans: I am doing something.
Papyrus: Oh yeah, what?
Sans: Thinking up a skele-ton of jokes.
Papyrus: SANSSSsSsSsSssSsSSsSsSsSSsSSsSsSsS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will end you.
Sans: What, does someone not have a funny bone? Oh wait, do you have a bone to pick with me? I have 206.
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
What kind of shoes does a ninja wear? Sneakers.
What does a 911 call receiver say when they get a call?
"9 Juan Juan, who this?"
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"