Divorce jokes

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.

British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.

Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.

What makes a nuke and divorce the same?

It only takes one of each to end your life.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Welcome to the Fast Food Divorce Center where yesterday's lies are today's fries.

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

Just too bitter.

Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?

They’re just two weeks to quit.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Your hairline and your eyebrows are like your parents, separated.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

Two Asians walked into a strip club and they went to a cashier. They put in their names: her name was He Gay and his name was Shi A Ho.

What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?

"May divorce be with you."