Disease jokes

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"

Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"

Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."

Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.

AIDS?

COVID-19 is like pasta.

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.

If your corona test shows two lines, is that then positive or negative?

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."

Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.

Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?

"Mind if I join you?"

I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.