Didnt jokes

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

The bartender says, "No bread here."

And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

They didn't burn witches back in the day, they burned bitches.

Sans: Hey Frisk, why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Frisk: Why didn't he go to the dance?

Sans: 'Cause he had no body to dance with!

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He didn’t want to pay the gas bill.

There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.

They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.

Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.

It would have been better if Martin Luther King didn’t have a dream.

You know, for his sake.

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

Why did the child cross the road?

Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.

You look like a sandwich Bigfoot didn't even like.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!

I wasn't going to tell another emo joke, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

What happened to the chicken when he crossed the road? He didn't. He got run over by a truck.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

Why didn't the 6th of Jan go well? Cause the shitty Trump supporters didn't carry out the damn job correctly and let the president down. Also, hang Mike Pence!