Dick's jokes

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?

My dick!

how do you cut of a hillbilly's dick?

kick his sister in the jaw

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

How would you best describe prostate cancer?

Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.