Dick's jokes
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.
As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."
Why did the Catholic priest suck dick at a glory hole?
Because someone asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?
The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.
here's my dick pick
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.
You need to be a complete dick.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
If a white cop had a black dick, would he beat it to death?
Why do feminists eat so much pussy?
To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.
Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?
My dick.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
You gotta give it to JD Vance. He is consistent; he is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
Well, somebody has to cushion the blow.
How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.
In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?
My dick.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Willis.
Willis who?
Willis dick fit in yo mouth?!