Dick's jokes

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick!

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"

Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

I was blessed with a 9-inch dick. Fair to say that priest is in jail now.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; 1 to screw it in, and the other to suck my dick.

Bully... you're such an asshole. Me... Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger.

Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?

Because it's male bonding.

What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏