Diagnosis jokes

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?

Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.

The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: What are the chances?

Patient: Of what?

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.

Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

Guy #2: Why, what is it?

Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Why do people think Mozart was autistic?

Because he was probably retarded.

Your Dad.

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"

Jimmy: "That's great!"

Doctor: "A horse with cancer."

How do you tell a child they have cancer? With a smile on your face.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

I'm autistic.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"