Diagnosis Jokes

The doctor told me in color blind... Me: that's out of he purple

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD and it diagnosed me with slavery

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says "I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies "I have had to amputate both your legs" so the patent says "Well what is the good news?" the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers".................

(Jokes for people with cancer) 1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore. 2: I'm dying, finally. 3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then. On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/.

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank has jotted that down on his notebook he says, "o, i c"

The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.

Doctor , Doctor, I feel like a pair of Curtains ! what 's wrong with me! calm down calm down Just pull yourself together

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is

You respond: cancer

Doctor says: well what a coincidence!

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life

I don't know what an hd is, but my doctor says I have 80 of em'

So I ran into my Specialist Doctor and he said "pick a star sign, any star sign" so I said "Capricorn " and he said "nah you got cancer".

How do you tell a child they have cancer?

With a smile on your face.

I went to the doctors yesterday I said: when I touch my back it hurts when I touch my knee it hurts when I touch anything it hurts! 😣 what’s wrong with me Doctor: you’ve broken your finger

Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs of quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, my beloved hamster is dead. "I'm sorry for your loss", the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars" says the vet. "what? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."