Diagnosis jokes

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...

Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?

Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,

You respond: "cancer."

Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Good news!

Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."