Diagnosis Jokes

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank has jotted that down on his notebook he says, "o, i c"

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is

You respond: cancer

Doctor says: well what a coincidence!

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Doctor , Doctor, I feel like a pair of Curtains ! what 's wrong with me! calm down calm down Just pull yourself together

The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down it the waiting room. Whem it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, 'Well I have good news and bad news.' The woman says, 'I'll hear the good news first please.' The doctor replies 'The good news is we're naming a disease after you!'

I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life

So I ran into my Specialist Doctor and he said "pick a star sign, any star sign" so I said "Capricorn " and he said "nah you got cancer".

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

How do you tell a child they have cancer?

With a smile on your face.

I went to the doctors yesterday I said: when I touch my back it hurts when I touch my knee it hurts when I touch anything it hurts! 😣 what’s wrong with me Doctor: you’ve broken your finger

Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved