Diagnosis Jokes

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left? Doctor: Ten. Man: Weeks? Months? Days? Doctor Nine, eight, seven...

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Man Cancer is so easy to beat, I'm already on stage 4

The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live - the doctor replied tu-more

the doctor said i had 2 years to live so i shot him the warden gave me 50 problem solved

A Doctor walks into his office and look his paitent in the eyes "Sir you have to stop Jerking off." The Man ask "Why?" The Doctor then says "Because im trying to examin you."

what do you call it when you see nothing but pants? brief psychotic disorder!

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimers". The old guy replies "At least I've not got cancer".

A guy goes in to get some tests done, the doctor comes out and says "I got good news and bad news." The guy says "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says "The tests cam back positive, you got 2 weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin her."

imagine this senario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "you have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc" and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Patient: doctor every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up what's wrong with me? Doctor: I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

I just found out i'm colourblind!

The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said “ Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.” The lady asks, “Am I pregnant? “. To which the Doctor replied “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

what do you get from childhood drama a ginger with autism

Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital. Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good. Guy #2: Why, what is it? Guy #1: Turns out, I have Prostate Cancer. Guy #2: Oh man that sucks... Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine, and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes. The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize, because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions Hallucination