Diagnosis

Diagnosis jokes

Doctor

    • The patient said, "When will this be over?"

    The doctor said, "After you die."

    The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

    The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

    The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

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    • Diagnosis memes

    Asian man

    • An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

    The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

    The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

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    • Schizophrenia

    • Symptoms of Schizophrenia.

    The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two or more of the following for at least one month:

    Delusions

    Hallucinations

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    • Baby

    • The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

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    • Man

    • A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

    The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

    The man asks, "Ten what?"

    Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

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    • Cancer

    • "I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

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    • Grave

    • Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

    Patient: What's the good news?

    Doctor: I've got you flowers.

    Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

    Doctor: They're for your grave.

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    • Guy

    • So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

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    • Skull

    • I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

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    • Wordplay

    • A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

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    • Doctor

    • I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

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