Di jokes

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

Chuck Norris died, but Death was too afraid to tell him.

What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.

When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.

It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.

Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.

Tell an emo, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Every woman will die in five seconds.

Mother: Dies.

Sister: Dies.

Girlfriend: Lives.

You: 🤬

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

There are 3 things wrong with this world.

1. Spelling

2. Maths.

Stephen Hawking died because his WiFi ran out.

The reason Steven Hawking died is he lost his internet connection.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!