Despair jokes

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

What makes sad people jump? A bridge.

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

All you need is a razor blade in life.

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.