Despair jokes
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
I wanna die.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope...
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.
What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.
What makes sad people jump? A bridge.
So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
Me: I'ma sign up to be a clown.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because my life is a joke. 😂
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"