Death jokes
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
What would MLK Junior be if he was white?.........Alive.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.
Why was Jesus not good at Basketball?
Because he died in the Cross 😈
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?
- A boner.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
NWA: Straight Outta Compton.
Kobe Bryant: Straight Outta the Helicopter.
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.