Death jokes

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

I hate the 9/11 jokes; my dad and grandpa were killed.

My dad was one hell of a pilot.

Grandpa was a hell of a planner.

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Your Nan.

WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!

Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!

When an orphan finds out who their parents are, and then finds out they're dead.

When you die, scientists will preserve your skull.

What fell first, the emo kid or the leaf? The leaf, 'cause the emo kid just hung.

What hit the floor first, the emo or the apple? The apple, the rope stopped the emo.

What falls quicker off a tree? The leaf or the emo?

The leaf, because the emo is stopped by the rope.

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

A bully told an orphan to cry to his parents, so he did.

His adoptive parents were very supportive about the situation, and everything was settled. He died in an accident a day later.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? Because he got bummed too hard in the shower.

A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.

What do you call the nun that hates?

For Paul Walker, Mother Teresa.

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

My great uncle died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the guard towers.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

I have a body count of 7.