Death jokes

What do you call an orphan you put into a volcano with a wheelchair?

Hot Wheels.

A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."

The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

What goes pop pop sizzle sizzle?

Two dead babies in an acid bath.

Why is the skeleton sad and alone?

Because he is with nobody.

The Earth was flat until yo mama buried herself.

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes? They never grow old.

What is the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

The skeleton cancelled the gallery showing of his skull-ptures because his heart just wasn’t in it.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

The quiet kid's dad dies. You go, "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not your dad."

Then he says, "What comes after 47?"

The quiet kid says, "AK."

I used to have a son, but he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died. For inspiration.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.

Yo mama is so fat that a whole forest grew on her, but it was sad because she really smells, so the forest died.

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.