Death jokes

"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?"

"It didn't have the guts!"

How do you make a mime cry?

You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

The man who invented Velcro died.

RIP.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

Stephen Hawking, rest in PC World.

Stephen Hawking died because he got unplugged from his Ethernet cord.

What were Stephen Hawking's dying words?

"Restore factory settings."

My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.

Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.

Beethoven composed his whole life.

What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Me die.