Death jokes

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

Which falls faster, an apple or an emo kid?

The apple, because the emo kid is hanging.

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?

I don't eat the fruit.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Dad!

Dad who?

Silence.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

Why did the skeleton run away from the crime scene?

He didn't have the guts to see it.

My name is Gunter.

Gunter Gunter is dead.

Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D

How did the orphan die?

Of sadness.

Ama is a bitch. I want him to die and kill himself.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

Where did Lucy go in the bombing... Everywhere.