Death jokes

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?

A bullet.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

I found a child on the street homeless, and they were really nice, so I took them home. Then I said, "Who's better, Biden or Trump?" They said they support Trump. They are now dead in my basement and have been for 3 years.

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

What will make a depressed teenager happy?

A cliff.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

'Cause she's already dead.

What's the only good part of your crush dying before you have the chance to bang her?

She can't say no!

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?

My dick!

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Imagine. Kobe could not.

Why did the orphan kill himself?

What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?

I don't worship Jesus.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."