Death jokes
They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
Kobe Bryant ain’t flying that well anymore.
"Hitler wasn't such a bad guy, after all, he did kill Hitler."
If I die, does my depression die with me?
Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”
The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”
The third blonde says “so we go at night.”
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to put her seatbelt on.
"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."
Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
People should build orphanages next to graveyards so at least orphans can see their parents.
A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.
Did the tree high five the emos?
No, he just left them hanging.
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"