Death jokes

I was crying at school because my grandpa died. My friends asked what his last words were. I told them his last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

John F. Kennedy may rest in pieces.

What did the gay necrophiliac say when his relationship ended?

"That rotten asshole split on me again!"

I told some orphan that you can see your family, but I meant Spider-Man: Homecoming...

If you can't see your family... you're an orphan.

How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?

She died.

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?

Kill her afterwards.

What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of orphans.

A leaf and an emo fell off a cliff, who landed first? The leaf, because the rope stopped the emo.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care!

What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people?

A cabbage patch.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"

What's Kobe's favorite song?

"Helicopter Helicopter"

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Me: "Cya"

Mom: "Where ya going?"

Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."

Mum: ...

Q: What type of flowers do orphans hate? A: Mums.