Death Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My father died last month."

"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

What's the difference between the Queen's death and Princess Diana's death? The Queen died in peace, not pieces.

I guess the queen ran out of totems of undying.

What happened after Technoblade died?

Everyone got raw pork chop.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Bro, if I die, I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of C4 at a furry convention.

What does Diana stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

Why don't orphans learn about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.

Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

I saw an orphan on the street. I said, "Where are your parents?" He cried and said, "My mum and dad died in a car crash!" 😆😆😂😂🤣

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.

Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

I don't like making Kobe jokes... they always crash and burn.