Dead

Dead jokes

Osama

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

Mother

Dad: Alive.

Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).

Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.

Mother: Alive...

Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.

Batman

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Ground

How do you communicate to the dead?

Jump up and down on the ground and speak in Morse code!

Insult

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

City

What did the lampost say to the other lampost?

Nothing, because it can't speak.

Baby

What's worse than 1 tree with 10,000 dead babies on it?

1 baby on 10,000 trees.

Hooker

Dead Hooker

Why can't you kill a hooker?

Because they're dead inside anyway.

Heart

Rose

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

Body

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"