Dead jokes
What do you call a downy under water?
Dead fish
Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*
Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*
Me: Well, shit.
What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.
For dinner, this girl had noodles. The next day, she could not find her skinny sister. The mom said, "Your sister is dead!" sadly. The girl asked, "She was skinny, right?" The mom said yes. The sister laughed, "I ate her! That’s why the noodles were very skinny!"
Roses are red, I wish you were dead.
What do you call a dolphin in the woods? Dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller have kids?
Answer: She’s dead.
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.
What is Beethoven doing right now?
Nothing, because he is dead.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
What’s an Emo’s favorite exercise?
The dead hang.
What do you call an Asian who gets a B?
It's not a B-sian.
Dead.
What is a necrophiliac's safe word?
"I'm alive!"
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?
A dead person does not walkie or talkie.
Why can't you kill a hooker?
Because they're dead inside anyway.
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
Why could dinosaurs not talk? Because they were dead.
You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?