Dead jokes

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

Who is not hungry in Africa?

A dead person.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

What hood do zombies come from?

Dead Ends.

Why is the Reaper not funny at all?

Well, he tells dead jokes!

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?

Nothing because he's dead.

Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.

Jokes are like your grandparents, old and dead.

He's got a massive f*cking cock, Ayew, Ayew. He tucks it in his football sock, Ayew, Ayew. Shagged a bird and now she's dead, Swung his cock around her head, Jordan Ayew Palace number nine.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

Ironic that this page is dead.

Play dead, they said.

Wasn't too hard.

I've been dead inside for years.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

What's yellow and can’t swim?

Your dead fish.

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.