Dead

Dead jokes

Girl

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

Hobby

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?

Nothing because he's dead.

Priest

Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.

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  • Chant

    He's got a massive f*cking cock, Ayew, Ayew. He tucks it in his football sock, Ayew, Ayew. Shagged a bird and now she's dead, Swung his cock around her head, Jordan Ayew Palace number nine.

    Necrophilia

    I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

    Baby

    What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

    I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

    Dog

    My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

    She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

    Year

    Play dead, they said.

    Wasn't too hard.

    I've been dead inside for years.

    Car

    A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

    She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

    The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

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  • Shot

    Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

    Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

    Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

    Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

    Coke

    I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

    Baby

    What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

    I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

    Lead

    There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

    Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

    After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.