Day jokes

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Yo mama so fat that if she didn't eat for a day, there would be enough food to feed Africans for 500 years.

What’s the difference between an emo and a pack of Oreos? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day.

What did the water say to the cup?

"Good day!"

One day, I was just chillin', being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing.

Then it hit me.

I poo 11 times a day.

Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?

Myla: I went to a restaurant.

Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?

Timmy: I went to a concert.

Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?

Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

What do you call crocodiles that don't say "swim" every day?

My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

'Cause 7 8 9.

But why did 7 eat 9?

'Cause you need 3 square meals a day :D

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

What day are twins born the most?

Toos-day.

I don't care if I got beat the first day you were born. Your momma asked for a receipt!

One day an orphan threw a boomerang, but it came back, just like its parents.

On the day of 9/11, the WTC's ordered cheese and pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says "WTF!"

So, one day I have a wife, but if it's getting a longer day, she is moving so weird, and I see she has sex with Rick Astley. 😂 [rickrolled]

What is an orphan's favorite day?

Tomorrow: that is when the sun will come out.