I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma. Why is that man in a box?" and she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "WHAT KIND OF BOX DID HE LIVE IN BEFORE?! HOW IS THIS BOX BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE?! IT'S JUST A BOX!" And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
This boy was in school one day when he became desparate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover so one of her friends asks when was the last time you had an orgasm? she replies 3 days ago dad comes bursting in i KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
I had a dissability where I kept pronouncing my g as an r, so one day, I said I liked Grapes. Of course, I pronounced it I like Rapes. I was kicked out of preshool.
So In Prep class, The students were asked to write a letter to their grandparents for grandparents day. Little Johnny's friend Little Sally write things like “thankyou” and “You are so nice!” And Little Johnny goes, “What are you doing you got it wrong!” So sally says, “What do you mean, it’s a letter.” Little Johnny says, “Why did you do it like that? Just write a letter from the alphabet like the Teacher said!” Then he says, “I wrote a J to remind them of me!”
I
FCC’s
Rhgstvyvybuiucrxbukuvtxw is a really nice day to come over and Thursday morning at the skatepark I hygybhbubugydedhepbzehnsiejrfuidjojdueu is a bdebdurbxornixrnidnrjbdirudjbdjebhsbeha hle se hav rhz rhombus rhxhbeihs Heudjebxrbxh rbxh
yo mama so stupid she threw a mothers day party at a orphanage
How does a rapper greet someone on a COLD DAY?
"Yo, is the temperature Ice Cube, or Vanilla Ice?"
Hi how are you busy doing right I just text me and my dad was going
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
one day a fh iufh uig8v cdy ufh pufvbf ufiu pofiu9fh fiv9fd and a ihefipuivbrivbvhbuirhvbifbvirvueuvgevuebvuerevheubyebubv8ub and a uhckebckjebicbevivhcbehvhbeuybvuebvubvbevcb and one uchercvievciouevihevc98f9p8r78797t587t987dbgioubriogbrihj and they all say we are hacks
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
Well a boy and a girl are in a bath tube together. The little boy says “Hey you see that I’m gonna go ask daddy what it is?” When the little boy asks his dad he says. “Well son that’s your car you try to park it in a girls parking spot.” As the boy runs back he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama that her spot was and she said. “Well that’s your parking spot never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back the little boy tried to put the car in well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.
I FUCKED A POKEMON THE OTHER DAY. IT IS DEAD NOW
So I was in the bathroom at school washing and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like "hey can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like sure and I was like come here and so she came over to me I was like girl look at ur self in the mirror and she started laughing so hard and she said I'm so ugly.
Do this on a calculator.
There was this girl who was (13) but she wanted to be (84) but she was (45) but the dr said (0) he said take these tablets (2x) a day but she took them (4x) a day and she ended up boobless
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were. Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!
